BERLIN-MAY-2008

I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to splatter my thoughts and experiences on this page. In no particular order, just as they come to me, I will share them with you.

Berlin
May
2008

I was standing on the top step of the altar at the Pergamon in Berlin. I was pretty high so I was pretending that I was actually in ancient Greece and I was a princess standing at the base of my palace, brooding over the miseries that can only be found in a Greek Tragedy. I was, of course, steeped in tragedy over a forbidden love, or a lost love, or any kind of love. I surveyed my kingdom, looked down to where all the villagers lived, tilled the land, herded the sheep, and I marveled at the beauty of it all. I fluttered along the exhibition, still very much in my own world. My eyes glazed with fantasy, my head filled with stories that never really existed. Eventually I floated back from Athens and found myself walking around the largest 3-D puzzle that I have ever seen, with my head plugged into an audio tour guide that whispered the secrets of the plaster reconstruction in my ears. What was I really looking at? I was looking at pieces. Pieces of an ancient world, put back together in the way that we imagine it should look. Where was I? I was in Pergamon in Ancient Greece, but no, I was actually in Berlin, modern day Germany… I struggled to make sense of this. Through the haze I realized what that museum was all about. That museum was about our desire, as humans, to feel connected to the past, to try to stand on the top of an altar that has the memory of thousands of years brushed on its surface, and try to imagine… that we actually have a place in it all.
We got the weed from Ben our tour guide. Ben who was living illegally in Berlin. We sat in a dank bar with him while he counted his measly tips and audibly cursed the stingy Canadians who skipped out on properly compensating him for his performance. He walked us to the bank of the river where we parked ourselves in the grass and talked while he rolled our joint. To Ben, Berlin was just, well, better than the U.S. People there weren’t in such a hurry to live their lives. They woke up late, went to bed late, drank a lot, smoked a lot, and worried less about moving so quickly through life.
Undoubtedly though, there is something that we, as Americans, cannot comprehend about that city. To think that the city as it looks today is NOT really what Berlin is. I mean, what really makes up a city? It usually boils down to the buildings and monuments and sites of historical significance. Well what happens when the buildings and monuments and sites of significance are destroyed? What happens when all that is material becomes rubble and pain? The place where Hitler’s bunker stood is now a parking lot, and a shitty one at that. And rightly so. I feel that Berlin is a city in purgatory. No longer whole but not totally fractured either.
Jess had sat on her bed talking to a random guy in our room about her upcoming traveling plans. He was telling her how he loved to go to the most desolate foreign places that no one has ever heard of. It clearly made him feel a sense of achievement to go beyond the tourist traps. What was he doing in Berlin? I have no idea. ‘I just like to be somewhere where they don’t speak English, you know? I love that totally uncomfortable feeling. I just love that mind-fuck,’ he told us very self-assuredly. He asked Jess where she was going next and she told him she was going to Krakow. ‘Where’s that?’ he asked. You have got to be kidding me. This kid is sitting there spouting off his noble cause of cultural exploration, his sainthood for crawling the uncharted territory, his ULTIMATE SUPERIORITY in being the one to break the mold and REALLY SEE THE WORLD and the moron hasn’t even heard of Krakow. That’s the thing about hostels. Everyone goes in there thinking that they are doing something significant and individualistic when in reality we are all there for the same thing. We ALL want to see the world and we ALL want a change of perspective and we ALL want to belong to a little bit more of a global society. The hardest pill to swallow is that there is nothing special about that, WE ARE NOT ALONE in this desire. I have been to more countries in the past year than I ever thought I would but in the end, it’s nothing spectacular. I didn’t change the world. I did, however, change my life. And that is going to have to be enough of a consolation for now.

We were sprawled in our fabulous hostel, dozing in the warm Berlin night. Three guys came bursting into the room. I had seen them earlier outside the hostel having a very self-satisfied conversation that revolved around passing judgment on a mutual acquaintance. The one directly across from me was pretty cute but as they seemed like a troublesome group I silently hoped that we would not cross their path for the remainder of our time there. As luck would have it they were assigned to the three remaining spots in our 10 bed room. As they blew through the doorway one of them yanked the mirror off the wall and tossed in onto his bed and I knew that I had no chance of going back to sleep that night.
They carefully split open the bag of goodies they had bought from a strange man in the park and started creating a dizzying pattern of white and green lines across the surface of the mirror. They were very gracious in offering some of their nose goodies to everyone in the room. We all declined, seeing as they had just walked two feet into the park and found what they were looking for in some shady German man. I asked them why they needed to snort the E and they said they just liked it better that way. I’m still not really sure what that meant. There were two Australians and one American guy from New York. The American guy was beyond annoying; very presumptuous and ultimately a complete moron. He introduced himself to us as Brian and asked us where we were from. He had green powder on his nose from the E but no one felt the need to alert him of this.
Since we couldn’t sleep we decided to go out and see what the hype of Berlin nightlife was about. On the way out Brian introduced himself to us and asked us where we were from. For whatever reason, Berlin nightlife seemed to suck that night. I found myself talking to the cute Australian and he told me that he and the other Australian guy had rented a car in Britain and were driving around Europe together. The thought of those idiots driving around Europe with a head full of coke and no sense of direction scared the shit out of me and I was very glad that I would not be operating a vehicle anywhere near them. At the club Brian introduced himself to us and asked us where we were from. Jon and I looked at each other and couldn’t help but dissolving into condescending laughter, this guy was an idiot, although I’m not sure he really understood what was going on anyway.
‘Did I already ask you that?’ Brain asked.
‘Yes.’ we told him, ‘Several times.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’m actually very interesting but I sometimes repeat myself.’
‘That’s funny!’ Jon told him, ‘I’m ALSO very interesting but sometimes I forget conversations that I just had with people.’

We left the Bang Bang Club which was just as disgusting as it sounds and walked through the streets of Berlin. ‘Look it’s the no holding hands sign!’ I yelled, as I saw the sign that had two stick figures holding hands with a big X across it. I was immediately sorry that I said it because the Australian thought that was his cue to grab my hand and intertwine his fingers with mine. I had no desire to skip through the German streets holding hands with this kid, it’s just not my style. We returned to the hostel and the annoying American guy and the Australian who did not have a vice grip on my hand decided to return to the park to engage in more illegal activities. Jon went to bed so I sat with my new Australian boyfriend and chatted with him for a bit. I made the mistake of telling him that I liked Star Wars. He apparently liked Star Wars as well and next thing I knew he was rambling on and on about light saber training modules or something that was way beyond my grasp. Unfortunately he was pretty cute so I decided to oblige him for the time being.
The two that had disappeared into the park returned with their purchases so we went up to the bathroom so they could engage. They opened the bag and dumped its contents on the counter and I immediately started laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. Idiot Brian and Australian Guy Number Two started cursing under their breath and swearing oaths of revenge on the German drug dealers of Berlin. They had paid 50 Euro for a little bag of dirt. I should have tried to be empathetic towards them but I really felt like they got what they deserved. I couldn’t wait to tell Jon when he woke up in the morning, he would be so happy…